Insecurity When Dealing With Various Deities

Over the past year I’ve been on quite the little spiritual roller-coaster, and I’ve noticed the stupidest trend ever in the history of my stupid behavior (which is saying something). I have no issues dealing with some people, and critters, that would make a lot of people run for higher ground.
One of the deities I communicate the most with, albeit inconsistently, is Ares. I realize who He is and what He does and I respect the kind of damage I’m sure He’s capable, but I’ve also realized it just doesn’t really bother me that He’s the god of war. Which is odd because I’m not a fighter, I’m pretty domestic. My goal in life is to have 15 acres, kids, horses, and a flower garden. However I think that the main reason I do feel relatively safe with Him is because I expect Him to be completely unpredictable, and do whatever the hell pleases Himself. I have no golden standard I expect Him to hold to, I like to think He’d do the morally correct thing, but if He didn’t I don’t think I’d faint from shock.
I’m also in complete and utter awe of Hades and Persephone, I love them I think they’re excellent. Again it just doesn’t bother me that they’re the rulers of the dead, I like ‘em. In fact it irritates me to no end when they are painted as villans, especially Hades, who is one of the sweetest, calmest people/deities I know. I almost put The Lightning Thief down because I thought that was where the story was going to end up going. Not that they would ever do anything bad.
But unfortunately for me this bravery when dealing with certain deities has not carried over when dealing with my very own patron.
He’s the only deity I “converse” with on a regular basis and I love Him to death, I think the absolute world of Him, and I searched for our ‘click’ for two years before finally finding it in the winter of 2006. But I’m not very bold around Him, I get shy sometimes, and I tend to stay pretty guarded around Him. It makes no sense, but I cannot make myself put that wall down.
With any other astral thing I will get in it’s face and pour everything into that interaction, especially if I’m in a tussel. However, I rarely do that with Him.
It makes me very angry, because He’s my rock, and my safety net. He’s been there my whole life and I feel like He’s getting cheated because of my silly little quirk.
I don’t know if it’s just my reluctance to trust someone that I love so much, if Ares or someone else turned on me, I’d accept it as part of their crazy, Greek personality and move on with my life, but I’m nearly crushed if he’s so much as short with me.
Has anyone else ever had this problem, or is it just crazy me?

When I am tired...

I’m sure you’ve all felt it, that sunken feeling in your stomach. The tiredness that seems to creep into your spirit and drag you down into yourself, an exhaustion that is so deep it turns your body into a prison stopping astral travel and cutting of your spiritual senses.

These are the days I’d like to give up, when nothing seems worth it. I am tempted to hang up my golden shield and sword, give up the fight and surrender to the whispering darkness. I want to sleep, give up my connections go back to how things were before, unknowing, clueless and content with the world.

Then as I feel my barriers weaken, the light wispy gray aura gather holes in it’s protection, he is there. Not as he often is talking and joking with me, but like a protective blanket, laid over my shoulders, wrapped into my body. A golden energy, slowly weaving itself into my own fragile aura, my protector, and teacher, and friend, and anything else I could ever ask him to be.

He was there for me even when I turned my back on him, when I made it my mission to find another fit. Looking for anyone else to comfort and guide me, because I felt betrayed and alone in my new life. But I was never alone, he was always there.

Waiting for me to recognize him, guiding me back to his side, arranging the people where they needed to be, placing the clues for me, finding the books I needed. And when I did find him I was scared at first, worried he’d be so angry with me, as angry and bitter as I’d been towards him. But he wasn’t he was patient and loving when I needed it, the firm instructor when something had to be done, and he was always there.

Now I look at how far I’ve come, from the depression I was in even only five months ago. The web of lies I’d spun for myself, to protect me from the unknown. I was so depressed, like no one would ever know all that I’d been through. Then one day I opened up Dania’s website and read HOPE. And I knew he was there. I knew he wouldn’t leave me alone to face that emptiness, even when he wasn’t with me I was safe.

My fog has nearly lifted now, I feel my strength returning, my energy thriving and building its defenses. The golden warmth ebbing, but he’s there. The night is lifting and the dawn has returned.